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Banjo
Banjoes are known as the greatest instrument known to man. Banjoes are also one of the few instruments to claim truly american roots. Origins It is through selective breeding that the banjo was produced. George W. Bush, the founder of our country had hoped to create a truly great invention that would make America shine. Under careful judgement, President Bush brought black people from the tyrannical Canadian province known as Africa. Bush even provided them all with jobs working for white plantation owners. But something else was afoot. When the black congo players brought their drums from Canada, they eventually decided to attempt to cross them with the American guitar. Instantly, God looked down and smiled: The banjo had just escaped the whom! By placing guitar strings over a Canadian drum, they were capable of creating something the world had never seen: the banjo. Image:Banjo.gif Image:LithographBanjo.jpg Image:BanjoPlayerDeliverance.jpg Image:HeftoneBanjoOrchestra.jpg Image:BanjoLynndie.jpg Banjonomics It is said that every 1000 years a new banjo player is born. The chime of the banjo is known to bring peace to the world. But once that Banjo player is gone, peace will not return until the next millenium. We are in a time now where liberals are abroad and the banjoes have gone silent. But be not afraid! For the banjoes shall return. Once again we will hear that beautiful sound, as though Earl Scruggs has risen from the grave, and the sweet melody of foggy mountain break down will once again be heard; then a beautiful time once again be here. If we do not live to see that day...well at least we will get to hear Jesus play his golden banjo in the sky! Theories Banjoes have been attributed to several events throughout history. It is said that the white planatation owners enslaved the banjo players out of jealousy. But the brave man of God we know as Abraham Lincoln fought to free the banjo players. Some say that after Truman single-handedly defeated Japan, he was presented with a golden banjo; a sign of everlasting peace. While it is known that Jesus sits at God's right side, some say it is Earl Scruggs that sits to left. Rumors tell of a golden land underneath the current location of Mexico city. It is said that the during the building of the city, a sacred place known as 'Tenochtitlan' (Loosely translates to "City of the Banjo Players") was found below the city. Yet the liberals hid this truth from the rest of the population, in fear that the conservatives might use the ancient technology of the banjo players to rid the world of evil. The Rise Of The Pseudo-Banjo Once the prophechy of the banjo became known, "Within every fold of 1,000 years, a new banjo player is born. One who will bring mankind into the new era of prosperity, and rid the world of liberals, but more importantly, social health care programs." Banjiticus 12:6, many imposters have arisen in hopes of claiming to be the next coming of the banjo players. How do you think FDR was elected for so many terms? Obama underwent a skin color surgery in order to make people believe he was a descendent from the ancient banjo players. The most common form of banjo immitation is learning how to play a Pseudo-Banjo, aka the 6 string banjo. But do not be deceived! Real banjoes have 5 strings. Rule of thumb (not a finger) for banjoes- >5 Strings=Guitar <5 Strings=Ukelele =5 Strings=THE REAL FUCKING DEAL! It should be noted that Pseudo represents all things bad. Example, slugs, pseudopods, are very bad. Observe- Pseudo means evil, pod means ipod. iPod is short for iPooped. Meaning slugs are evil poop. So, even though the word banjo represents everything just and right in this world, by inserting the word pseudo in front of it, we have ontiminated it and all it encounters. Essentially, it now possesses a Banjo STD that can never be removed. Beware the pseudo-banjo! The Colbert has spoken! Message To The Children Kids, if you are reading this, heed my message please. The banjo was created with love and care, yet it remains an item of so much mockery. No kids, banjo players do not want to make you "Squeal like a pig." Banjo players are a rare breed that is only seen every millinium. Honestly, go out and buy a banjo, and if you're the chosen one, you may even be capable of playing it. So until next time, in the name of- The Father, The Son, and Earl Scruggs.